Advice for Moms Sending their Children Back to School….Again
School is restarting, yet again, consider the best “mom advice” I’ve received : take a nap.
Jan 2020, my third (and youngest) child is weeping ferociously outside her Kindergarten class. Irrelevant to this story I should mention that although school does start in September here in Canada, she had stayed put in a Waldorf preschool that preferred children to stay until grade 1. Now let’s get back to January, I patiently wait for a teacher to come and help me detach my limbs from my crying child. I am not new to parenting children with separation anxiety, so while I empathize with her fear and absolute panic of being deserted, I also know full well that within five minutes she always happily settles in, connects with other children and adults, and leaves full of anticipation for the following day. Her anxiety stems from the unknown, but I am confident that these teachers and this classroom is a healthy and safe place for her to spend her day. Finally, the calmest, sweetest, most genuine teacher steps in with coaxing and clear offer to make bracelets and read books in a quiet spot until my daughter is ready to join the group. I make eye contact with the teacher, hopefully telepathically sending her relentless thanks for rescuing my daughter and I from this tense stalemate. She barely looks at me, her energy rightly being directed at my child (bless her). And off I go, alone.
When my oldest son went to Kindergarten, I stupidly thought that with only two children at home I would be checking tasks off my to-do list feverishly. And then when my second child went to kindergarten, there was just one left with me. Which somehow was the hardest of all! I was now not only cooking, cleaning, and planning but also the one and only playmate and tea time conversationalist. If I could only go back in time to these precious days, my career already on hold, why did I not focus more on being present right then and there? Instead, my mind was always wandering, dreaming of what goals to set and how to bring them to life. Instead of enjoying the present moment that could never, and will never be revisited.
If I could only go back in time to these precious days, my career already on hold, why did I not focus more on being present right then and there?
In the midst of that period, justifiably refered to as “long days, short years”, I was zipping in and out of town to study, setting goals during the week and crushing them every weekend. At one of the courses, I remember meeting a young mother with this delicious peaceful energy that magnetically drew me to her side. Without judgement, she listened to me as I shared all that I was learning at my weekend courses. She knew, the same way I now know when a young mother tells me about her ambitious running goals, or NEED to get back to work asap, she knew, through living more years than I, that I was going to look back with regret. So she shared a story about what she had done when her daughter had gone off to Kindergarten. While it might not have penetrated the intensity that was cloaked around me at that time, it lingered long enough that nearly 7 years later I still revisit her words.
Her husband worked a typical Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule, which meant that she was #1 for her sole child for 5 whole years. With no family help, and without the financial means to cover childcare, her whole life was devoted to her daughter. While she did work as a personal trainer for a few select clients, and she did escape for weekends with her friends, and had a workout or yoga session mixed into her weekly schedule, every moment of her day was carefully crafted around keeping the family unit happy. So when her daughter walked into Kindergarten, she turned on her heel and headed straight for the….couch. And she napped. For three straight months, she went home every morning and napped, watched TV, and did what SHE wanted to do.
I was in disbelief. She didn’t go for a run? She didn’t pick up more clients? She didn’t take more courses? No, she set and crushed one goal- to listen to herself. She admitted that after a few weeks her husband asked her when she was going to start working more, but she didn’t budge. She knew that this rest time was integral to her moving forward. She wasn’t thinking about making more money, getting fitter, or gaining anything at all. But as a health and wellness ambassador her whole life, she was well aware that she needed to refuel her tank before she could do anything worthwhile.
Back to January 2020, I’ll admit, I didn’t take her words to heart. I dropped my daughter off and plunged into goal setting, marketing, and working tirelessly. I stopped only to escape into the forest running, biking, and skiing till the minute the bell rang (ok maybe a few minutes after!). As fate will have it, just 2.5 months later my three children came home for March break, COVID reared it’s ugly head, and my children didn’t leave my side for another six months. My work was shut down, all my progress flattened, and I became a SAHM/homeschool teacher/IT support/custodian/cook. By September, I was exhausted and had nothing tangible to show.
When they returned to school in September 2021, I was warier of how much time I had. I still filled those five short hours to the brim but with the added stress of uncertainty. Unsure of how long school would last, or whether my work would be deemed non-essential yet again, my husband and I fumbled through decisions painfully reflecting a capitalist’s dream of prioritizing income before passion and purpose. I barely blinked when my work was restricted and reopened arrhythmically throughout the year. Now when a holiday is approaching, or a long weekend of any sort, I tell my children to bring home all of their belongings and I mentally prepare for them to be home for good, again. I know I can’t be alone. So much of this uncertainty is falling onto the shoulders of mothers. If we are okay, everything will be okay. But how do we make space to take care of ourselves?
Much of the uncertainty COVID has caused is weighing heavily on the shoulders of mothers.
Two days ago I walked my children off to school, albeit a week later than expected (thanks Omicron). We said our goodbyes (separation anxiety now a thing of the past- woohoo!), and I went home and lay on the couch, all freakin day. Round 3 (or 4 or 5? I’ve lost count), and I am finally getting better at listening to what I need. Sure it helps that there are snowbanks taller than me, my workplace is closed (restrictions again), and that I am recovering from COVID, but beneath all those external factors, I am finally listening to those wise words spoken so long ago (pre-covid) by a tranquil mother. Take care of yourself.
PS. Listening to yourself is a skill that you can learn. Need help? Try these free lessons.
